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Supporting Your Teen In Trouble

By Carol Satterlee

I know a terrific teen who is loved by friends and family. For the sake of this article I’ll call him “Joe”. He is one of the friendliest kids I know. He was born fun loving and compassionate, always with a smile on his face. He was the one who made sure everyone was included in the neighborhood games, easily shared his toys, and was friendly and polite with adults. Never could I have imagined Joe getting into trouble with the law, but he did.

In his case, no one got hurt. Joe was driving one night, months after getting his license. As he was backing out of a driveway, he accidentally hit a parked car that sustained very minimal damage. But the problem was he panicked. He drove away. At first he claimed he didn’t know he had hit the car, but I suspect he “knew” something happened. However, fear dictated his actions. The ol’ fight or flight kicked in and he flew! A neighbor of the car he hit witnessed it and followed Joe home to get an address and license plate number. Imagine what Joe’s parents went through when the police showed up to their home at 11 pm.

I truly felt for Joe’s parents. However I also know the kind of parents they are. No surprise they were shocked and disappointed when this experience “came knocking at their door” late that night. However, what easily could have become a dramatic and negative experience did not. Instead, it became a positive learning event for all three. Months had passed when I spoke to Joe and his mom. Here are their insights.

Parents must stay calm which takes great strength on their part. No matter how much you want to react by yelling, screaming, accusing and laying guilt, you just cannot. Staying calm teaches your teen how not to overreact until you hear everything first.

Allow your teen to share his side of the story. You must listen with an open mind and open heart.

Empathize. Step into your teen’s shoes. Understand your child’s own defensive reaction may come from a place of fear. Imagine the panic and anxiety your teen feels when s/he has made a mistake. (When I later asked Joe what he felt, he said he was scared, mad at himself, embarrassed and he knew he made a HUGE mistake!)

Parents cannot protect their teen from consequences outside their control. Your teen will have to experience society’s penalties but you must show unconditional support during what can be a very frightening experience.

Mistakes happen, kids panic. Forgiveness is crucial in helping your teen move onward. You can show disappointment for your child’s behavior. But don’t attach that to your child’s worth and esteem. It didn’t take long for Joe to admit his mistake and explain why he acted as he did. He had no excuses and no one to blame but himself. He took responsibility for his actions.

Once the situation is handled, parents must NOT keep bringing the issue back up. As Joe says, “It’s like putting salt into a wound.”

Even if your teen acts like he is over what happened, don’t believe it. Teens think long and hard and do feel remorse, even if they don’t outwardly express it.
 

Here’s another bit of priceless advice Joe’s mom shared with me. Many parents describe how they modify the amount of control raising their kids using the analogy of a leash. The older they become, the goal is to let out more of the leash so they can develop their independence and become responsible. However what Joe’s mom believes is that the leash is also the connection for your teen to find his way back home. The leash works both ways. Creating the environment and communicating how to find his way back in time of need is crucial in supporting him to independence. It is what will connect you with your teen for years to come.
 

Carol Satterlee, CPC is a certified coach practicing since 2001. Her focus is on Life Relationships. She is happily married and has two teenagers who have been her primary teachers of life, love, and joy. Each of them creates great passion in her life, in their own unique ways. They live in California. Visit her site at www.strengthwithin.com to learn more about her practice. You can also read her blog: www.blog.strengthwithin.com.

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