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Divorce, Children and a Summer Divided
By Ellen Schuster-Nastir, M.Ed., CPCC.
Summer is generally thought of as a time of reduced stress and a little
bit more laid back. A time of less running from one activity to another
mixed in with homework, school projects, and a variety of practices and
lessons. A time to relax a bit.
For children of divorced parents, it also can bring a different set of
experiences, activities, and emotions. In some homes, this may mean a
still quiet place void of the usual clamoring of kids running about
because they are off to spend time with their non-residential parent.
Yet, in other families, it may be adjusting to new commotion of
additional kids in the house, more mouths to feed and arranging
activities and transportation from here to there.
How can you make this experience easier for not only your children, but
also yourself? And yes, even for the “other parent”! After all, our
children are the focus to create a safe haven for.
Here’s a short list to help make the transition easier:
-
Clear the dates well in
advance with everyone involved avoiding last minute conflicts. This
includes checking with your children, also. As they get older, more
information is provided to them from outside sources that you may
not be aware of yet. Dates of band camp starting before school
begins, play tryouts held over the summer…the list of possibilities
is endless. Plan ahead to make travel arrangements early to get the
best savings.
-
Do shop early for items they
will need to take with them so you are not scrambling at the last
minute.
-
Talk to your children ahead of
time, if they will be staying with you, to learn what their current
interests are for organizing their summer plans. No sense signing them
up for a week of drama camp, if they have no interest---just because it
worked the past couple of years, does not mean it will continue.
-
Know how often you expect to talk
with them to keep in touch. Depending on their ages, make the arrangements
with their other parent, not the children directly. If they have cell
phones, respect their time they are sharing with their mom or dad, and don’t
constantly call.
-
Plan your time wisely for
whichever end of the spectrum you are on. What memories do you hope to
create? What is important for your kids to remember about their time away?
-
If you are going to have alone time,
plan for it. What are things you wish you had time for and never do? Sign up for
that class you always thought about or take lessons for new activities that will
bring you pleasure. Make plans to meet a friend for a walk, rent a movie, read a
book you’ve been putting off, even clean out a closet! It’s your time to feed
your soul and view this time as replenishing yourself.
-
If the children are on their way to be
with you, get current on what their preferences are for food, activities, etc.
Likes and dislikes change frequently with kids so the cereal you bought last
time, may not be the one of preference this year! Have conversations or family
meetings to determine family rules, expectations, discipline consequences, and
for older children, curfews. Have organized activities for your kids to be
involved in while you are at work, so they are involved but not at home in front
of the TV every day.
-
Do provide an itinerary of any travel
plans to the other parent, so you are reachable in case of an emergency.
-
Provide your children with reassurance
that you will be fine while they are gone. Give them the gift of going to visit
mom or dad with a light heart and not needing to worry about leaving you.
Encourage the special opportunity to bond with their other parent at this time.
-
Keep good-byes short and sweet. Big
kisses and hugs, words of love and then leave when you know they are in capable
hands. Don’t drag it out.
Traveling between two homes at any age
is difficult. Our job as parents is to make it as easy as possible for our
children to leave knowing they are loved, secure, and safe wherever they are.
Plan to enjoy your summer ahead—the rewards are enormous for everyone involved!
Ellen Schuster-Nastir, M.Ed., CPCC, is
a certified professional life coach with advanced training in Organizational and
Relationship Systems. She is co-author of When Divorce Crosses Your
Mind . . . What You Need to Know and contributed to creating a class for
divorcing parents entitled Building a Successful Pa renting Plan for Children.
This program is approved by the Hillsborough County Court System in Florida.
Ellen is happily remarried, mom to two and bonus mom to one. Visit her website
www.focusbydesign.com for a
listing of many different classes offered and group coaching available. She can
be reached at 813-968-8597.
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