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Parenting Styles and Divorced Households

By Ellen Schuster-Nastir

Parenting styles, even in the best of situations, can clash from time to time. Inevitably, moms and dads may view their expectations and discipline techniques differently from each other. Experts say that it is best to present a united front, for children to view you as a team-- one they can not conquer and divide.

Discuss in private -- present in unison. Makes sense, right?

But, what happens when the divide occurs by means of divorce?
To nobody’s surprise, this can be quite a problem for divorced parents who have two households that may end up with different rules.

How can you best manage your style, expectations, and discipline within your own domain without creating issues with your children’s other parent?

The best scenario would be to discuss with your former spouse the rules and procedures you both can agree upon to maintain and implement rules and consequences for each household. The more consistent you are in both homes, the easier it is for the children. If they are expected to make their bed and put their own laundry away in each location, it is easier for them to establish habits that they carry from house to house, and follow through regularly. Giving children the same curfew, responsibilities, and rules to follow in both homes, reinforces the idea that even though parents are divorced, they can still successfully co-parent together.

If it is not possible to actively engage in discussions regarding parenting with your former spouse, some of the following suggestions may help in formulating how you parent within your own home.
 

1. Establish boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior by holding regular family meetings. Choose one day and time per month and place it on the calendar for all to see. Use a simple picture for young children who are unable to read. Place the calendar in a central location, such as, the refrigerator. Use this special time for open discussions, problem-solving, planning for activities, scheduling, etc.

2. Determine reasonable consequences for unacceptable behavior and be CONSISTENT, CONSISTENT, CONSISTENT!

3. Try not to let something slide one day and then punish the same behavior a different day.

4. Follow-through is important when you say something to children. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you can’t commit, don’t. Use phrases that will “buy” time for you to think before you give a quick “yes” or “no” answer, such as:

I’ll let you know after dinner.
Let me find out more details first.
I need time to look at my schedule before I can decide.

5. Punishments and consequences should be enforced at the home of the parent who delivered it. For example, if you take away the privilege of TV for a week, keep a visual schedule handy with the numbers 1-7 listed. Each day, cross off one of the numbers when the “NO TV” rule is in effect at YOUR home. If the child is going to their other parent’s for the weekend, those days away do not count. The schedule resumes when he/she returns to your home.

6. Do not make negative comments about rules or whatever goes on in the other home. Children learn how to handle the differences between households and will adapt. It is not optimal when the differences are great, but accept what you do not have control over. (This does NOT include toleration of any abusive situations, which are handled quite differently).

7. Talk to your children. Speak from your point of view and hold strong to the values you bring to their lives. Kids are kids and they will try to bend rules or manipulate to get their own way at times. When they see you are steadfast in your position and stay firm in your decisions, it actually provides comfort and stability knowing what is expected and tolerated. Of course, they will not let you know that!

8. Parent from love. We all make mistakes from time to time. Admit when you may have pre-judged, jumped to a conclusion, or over-reacted. It is ok to discuss what happened and then modify a punishment if you feel it was too severe or said in haste.
 

There are many resources available if you feel you (and ultimately, your children) would benefit from parenting education by attending classes, support groups, reading books, online articles, and a multitude of other possibilities.

The important thing is to feel confident in who you are as a parent to teach and guide your children with love. And with that love, comes the responsibility to raise healthy, respectful children – even when it is in two separate homes.
 

Ellen Schuster-Nastir, M.Ed., CPCC, is a certified professional life coach, speaker and corporate People Map trainer.  She is co-author of When Divorce Crosses Your Mind . . . What You Need to Know and contributed to creating a class for divorcing parents entitled Building a Successful Parenting Plan for Children. This program is approved by the Hillsborough County Court System in Florida.  Ellen is happily remarried, mom to two and bonus mom to one. Visit her website www.focusbydesign.com She can be reached at 813-968-8597.

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