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How Can I Stop My Children From Fighting?

By Barbara Desmarais

For some of us who grew up with siblings we have vivid memories of how our parents handled fighting. Some of us remember always being the one who was blamed; others remember everyone being punished regardless of who the instigator was and some of us remember our parent getting so angry, the fighting only escalated. Over the years, I have often heard adults say they still hold a grudge against their sibling. What can we do to ensure our children grow up respecting and liking each other?

If we study the behavior of a variety of different species in nature, we can clearly see the root of sibling rivalry. In essence, the cause is competition for limited or scarce resources. In a family, each child has the need and desire for the EXCLUSIVE love of his/her parent. Children depend on us for everything - food, shelter and the very important need to feel SPECIAL. Feelings of anger, jealousy, and resentment are all normal among siblings.

What can we do as parents when our children fight? In most cases, unless we judge the situation dangerous, it is best not to intervene. When children are involved in a physical fight we need to clarify if it is a real or a play fight. Real fights are not permitted but play fights are OK if it appears they are truly just playing. I t is wise to limit the play fighting since they often end up with someone crying.

Normal bickering can be ignored. If it really bothers us, we need to separate ourselves. Children will often turn to us to resolve their problems and side with them but they need to know they we have faith that they can work things out themselves. We can simply say, "Ok, I see there is a problem but I know the two of you can work it out" and then walk away. We often have a tendency to separate children when they are fighting. Usually we do it because it is the easiest way we can think of to stop the noise. Separating them doesn't teach them to resolve conflict. You have the right though to impose some rules around name-calling and put- downs. I'm often impressed with the solutions my children come up with on their own when I stay out of their arguments altogether.

All children want to feel SPECIAL. We make them feel special when we acknowledge their uniqueness and not treat each child the same. When one child has a birthday, the other child doesn't need to be given a gift as well. When one child gets new shoes, the other child doesn't need to have shoes as well. When we give everyone the same thing, no one feels special. It's important to give according to need. Ensuring that each child gets regular one on one time with you also makes them feel special. Try spending 10 minutes alone with each child at bedtime.

Avoid comparing. When a child hears that their sister or brother is in some way better than they are, it builds resentment. Every child is unique and they all learn at different rates, have their own special likes, dislikes, and exhibit different talents. We can say, "You are the only 'you' in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place."
 

Recommended books:

Books for Parents:
Siblings Without Rivalry: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Loving Each One Best: Nancy Samlin
The Joys of Sibling Rivalry: Elizabeth Berg

Books for Children:
A Baby for Max: Maxwell Knight
A Baby Sister for Frances: Russell Hoban
Nobody Asked if I Wanted a Baby Sister: Martha Alexander
 

For over 18 years, Barbara has been working with parents providing powerful and effective discipline tools that do not include yelling, nagging or spanking. Since 2002, she has been coaching parents privately both in person and over the phone. She has been featured several times in CanadaR17’s national parenting magazine “Today’s Parent” and has articles published on many family related websites. She also has an extensive background in American Sign Language so her services are provided to deaf and hearing parents as well as to parents of deaf and hard-of-hearing children. Aside from her work as a parenting coach, she teaches Sign Language to babies.
 

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