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A Connected Family Requires Respect

By Carol Satterlee

Do you remember as a child being told to “respect your elders”? We were taught never to talk back, to be polite, and to always listen to what they had to say. And as we became parents, we taught our own children the same. But, I have found somewhere between young childhood and the teenage years the teachings of respect soon fades.

If you think this article is going to be about scolding teens and their lack of respect for adults, you will be disappointed. What I am focusing on is asking parents to start looking at the source…that is, begin looking at ourselves. Start by asking, “Do I treat my own child with the respect I am expecting from him or her?”

I have heard perspectives from 17- and 18-year-olds, who have told me what it feels like NOT to be respected. How disheartening to hear an 18-year-old express, “I wish my mother would acknowledge me for who I am and not for who she wants me to be.” It seems that no matter how much I do, I will never be good enough for her. She has also verbalized that I will never be good enough for her”. Or a couple of 17-year-olds who said, “I wish my parents would acknowledge that I am trying to better myself, and that I really care about where I’m going” or “I wish my parents would acknowledge the things I enjoy doing because what is valuable to them isn't always valuable to me.”

If we believe respect must be earned and conditional on external factors (i.e., age, status, profession) then we’re making it impossible for any child to receive it. But if we are willing to see respect as a given, no matter what age, that every person deserves to receive it, then there is a greater likelihood of a successful relationship. For starters, ask yourself:
 

• Do I truly accept my teen for who she is? Or am I judging her based on my expectations? Worse yet, am I comparing her against qualities I admire about her peers and friends related to grades, dress, weight, skills, interests, etc.?

• Do I constantly interrupt him because it is a good time for me? Do I ever say, “Excuse me… do you have a minute?” and wait for him to answer?

• Do I listen giving her my full attention? Or, could my multi-tasking behaviors leave her to feel she is not as important?

• Do I model respect in my own relationships with my spouse? My relatives? My friends & coworkers?

• Do I teach my child to accept differences in others?

I first learned about respect in its truest form from my husband. I felt it the first time I met him and after 20 years of marriage, I feel it from him each and every day. It is a gift to feel that valued by another person.

Imagine how it felt once I became a stay-at-home mom (after working for many years) when my husband would come home after a long, long day at work and thank me for being such a loving mother and taking care of our children. He would constantly tell me how much he admired how I managed our household – something he admittedly said he could not do as well. I felt so fortunate to be acknowledged and respected for doing what many mothers may at times feel a thankless “job”.

It is easy to understand that when respect begins from and grows into one’s family values, it continues to breed respect. I watch my own teenage kids today treating one another respectfully, which means they are genuinely kind to one another and to us. We expect no less from them and they from us. As they say, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. Treat your own child, no matter what age, with the respect you would like to receive and they will return it in kind. Best of all, it will come by their choice… and the connection created will express genuine love for one another.
 

Carol Satterlee, CPC is a certified coach practicing since 2001. Her focus is on Life Relationships. She is happily married and has two teenagers who have been her primary teachers of life, love, and joy. Each of them creates great passion in her life, in their own unique ways. They live in California. Visit her site at www.strengthwithin.com to learn more about her practice. You can also read her blog: www.blog.strengthwithin.com.

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